Hello there. I suppose you’re here because you think you will learn something profound that will echo sentiments that you have never heard before. I’m afraid that you are going to read a piece that probably tells you what your subconscious has been screaming at you but you’ve been too afraid to listen to. Settling for someone that is ‘good enough’ is a woefully shitty idea.
Over the last few years I have read numerous articles from psychologists and relationship advisors that claim settling for something average is good for long term happiness. Bullshit. Why is this bullshit? Because my own experiences and those of others I have met over the years taught me a lesson.
Picture this. You meet a person that ticks most of the boxes in a mediocre way. Maybe strong ticks in some of the boxes. Your parents and friends would likely approve because they are nice with a good job. But it isn’t quite there. When you’re home alone you find yourself masturbating furiously to gangbang porn wondering why your partner just doesn’t quite do it for you. There is no intensity, no fire and a strong feeling of obligation rather than desire to want to please them.
Imagine you stayed with this box-ticking wunderkind. After a couple of years, you bow to societal pressure and get married. The proposal was suitably romantic and that evening you had slightly above average sex. Six months later the wedding happens, you get the mortgage, the dog and start planning for the baby. It is still that box ticking bullshit. Then the baby comes and everything still seems average, but good enough to keep you moderately happy. There is always the next step and you have a child to raise. That ecstatic happiness and feeling of absolute contentment never arrives because you settled on an average life. For shame.
This is not to say you should be the picky arsehole that destroys a perfectly good relationship through finicky non-committal anti-box ticking psychosis. I am also not trying to convince you that one argument or disagreement about what to eat for dinner should result in destruction of the relationship. There should be a balanced approach to selecting a partner. Not emotive nor coldly logical.
I hear some of you saying “but the initial flame dwindles after awhile in a relationship”. I can tell you right now that it shouldn’t. Sitting across the table in a café from my partner right now I can assure you this is not the case, my inspiration to do naughty things with her right this instant is in no way diminished. The reason I don’t is because I don’t want to be arrested and I need to finish writing this piece.
Humans are typically risk adverse. Those that aren’t are the exception rather than the rule. Studies prove that people value $100 won less than $100 lost, it is how we are psychologically wired. So this mentality could extend to relationships. Most of us would prefer to avoid losing someone average in hopes of finding someone exceptional. We both know this is stupid self-destructive behaviour so why do you keep doing it?
If you are hoping someone will change drastically and become the perfect partner for you, they likely won’t. Sure people do change to some degree, but if they don’t match your kind of weird from the beginning they are unlikely to ever be the right person for you.
I totally understand this is hard to accept. I spent years in shitty relationships making exceptions for people because I was scared of losing that $100. I wanted them to be the right person and didn’t even realise I was searching for the right kind of weird until I found it. Yes folks, I was on occasion blinded by the pussy. It happens. As humans, our powers of self-delusion are amazingly strong.
My partner once put it to me that within a few dates you can tell if someone is right for you and I couldn’t agree more. Within a couple of times meeting someone you can make a pretty good assessment of their character and judge whether either of you will have to make unfair compromises to be together. The attraction factors should not trump negative personality traits.
So where do you go from here? Essentially shop around and take that shit for a test run before you commit to a purchase.
You will instinctively know if the person is right for you, so long as you are sure of who you want to be and what you want in life. Knowledge of self, however, is a completely different discussion.